Revealing who we really are can be very scary. Somewhere along the way, we were taught to put our best face forward. In the meantime, we had to hide our bad behaviors, highlight our strengths, and convince others of our perfection.
Man, that’s exhausting. And the truth is, I’m not sure people like THAT person anyway. Who REALLY wants to hang out with the one who seemingly runs the world with perfect parenting skills, flawless skin, and amazing time management?
I am constantly fighting the urge to put up the mask. Part of the reason I started blogging was to just go ahead and put it all out there. I’m just tired of trying to be something I’m not. I’ve blogged before about embracing our “flawtabulousness” but then time goes by and I forget and start playing the game again.
So in the spirit of authenticity and embracing the REAL story, I present to you Messy Flawtabulous Me:
- I’m not neat and orderly. I have totes that I throw everything in before people show up to my house. If you peeked in just one tote, you’d know my secret. But, I run around like a crazy person trying to show you a perfect home. You don’t even WANT to know how many piles of junk reside in my bedroom! <shudders>
I’m not always a great mom. Sure, I love to throw a good party for my kids’ birthdays and I create lots of little crafts to celebrate holidays. But, I’m equally impatient with the day to day tasks of child-rearing. I yell–way more often than I should–and I get irritated when my kids do not obey. Then I threaten them with all sorts of punishment if they act out in public. (You should see the “I’m warning you” look of holy terror I throw the kids’ way when we’re out and about). I WANT to be better but sometimes I’m just too tired to try all these tips that others allege makes me a better mom. What if I’m just not? What if you are not? Could we live with that?
- Oh yeah, my kids? They aren’t perfect. Usually they are obedient and respectful. But not always. Sometimes they snub our rules and have even informed me I’m the worst mom ever. They argue over clothing choices, bed time curfews, and toys. I’ve mediated a few shoving matches that I was sure would land me on my rear. Let’s not forget the abundance of whining and rampant negotiating that takes place daily as well. Little angels they are not.
- I’m really good at TALKING about eating healthy. I buy lots of pretty produce and even whip up a few tasty, healthy treats. Then, I regress and buy crap. Family size portions of crap. Doritos–thou art my kryptonite! The same can be said of my exercise routines. I get on a kick for a few months and make a little progress. Then BAM, sleeping and laziness wins.
- I sometimes (ok, daily) loathe the reflection in the mirror. I curse my invisible eyebrows, ever increasing eye wrinkles, and slants-to-the-left nose. (Yeah, I’m a little sensitive about it). For the life of me, I can’t take a decent “selfie” and I’m not sure why they are so popular. Is it just me or do I look twice as bad in my reverse image??
There are plenty more items I could add to this list. Yet I have resolved to spend 2015 looking for the good in everything–including my flaws. So, here’s the 411 on my quirky side:
- I dream BIG. I’m an idea person who lacks all sense of logic. I’m delusional enough to think that I CAN make a difference in this world. Sure, I get beat down every once in a while. But, most of the time, I’m convinced that if we all try a little harder, we can create such beauty in our community. I’m an idealist to a fault and really think we have the power within us to make changes that can improve society. I’m working so hard to create a “kindness army” and show people that it doesn’t take much to extend love. I feel BIG THINGS coming and I’m super excited. I probably annoy people with my “pie in the sky” way and I’m ok with that. I’m not going to stop. This leads me to the next one.
- I consider myself a sunshine person. I thrive on making people shine and brightening their day. I’ve spent lots of years trying to figure out my “gift”. Long years, friends, long years of wondering if I had ANY special qualities. Then I started to figure it out (with a lot of heavenly intervention!). When I’m serving others, I feel an enormous nudge from God. It’s like my own private “atta girl” that He brings me. It’s when I feel beautiful. It’s the only time I feel beautiful and maybe that’s how God is working on me. He’s continually reminding me that true beauty comes from within.
- My vulnerability has connected me deeply with others. Every tragedy and low point in my life has pointed me in another direction and intertwined me with someone new. Someone who has changed me. I’ve learned there is always someone who “gets it” and cares. By exposing vulnerability, I grow and learn the power of prayer, grace, and forgiveness. It’s when I see the human element most clearly, experience the greatest compassion and gain perspective.
- I’m passionate about acceptance. I struggle when I hear people group others into categories and then label their worth based on these notions. I cringe when I see hate being spewed and intolerance being practiced–particularly in the name of Christianity. I’m deeply disturbed by bigotry and discrimination and a basic lack of empathy. I get fired up and often find myself struggling to bite my tongue. Complacency and apathy are what I consider the biggest hindrances of progress in a community. My viewpoints are not always popular or accepted…and I’m learning to be ok with that too. Change only occurs when we are pushed from our comfort zones.
- Ok, here’s where I really let my dreams run wild. I’m a total scaredy cat when it comes to REALLY trusting my abilities. I have an overwhelming fear of failure. So much so it paralyzes me from moving forward sometimes. I’ve been home for over a year now–dreaming of my next “gig”. I get ideas and then I talk myself out of them. Since staying home full time, it seems I’ve lost a little confidence that I can be something other than a mom. One resolution this year is to be brave. So here goes: I want to blog and really make a go of it. Like professionally. I have no idea how and I have no clue if anyone other than my sweet friends would read it. In fact, I’m getting woozy just putting “it” out there. You know, on account that I could very likely fail and go nowhere with my big ideas. But I REALLY REALLY want to be a change-agent. I want to use my voice to speak truth, inspire hope, and spread love.
There she is–messy, full of shenanigans, and perfectly imperfect.
It’s taken me a long time but I’m ok with her. She’s me and I’m flawtabulous. Here’s to a new year ahead. A year where we take the plunge to accept and be ourselves, to open our eyes to the possibilities, and just agree to love one another (no matter how hard that is some days). ; )
Who is with me???