I’m not even going to try to sugar coat it. Life lately has been rough. Despite both my kids transitioning smoothly back into the school swing, it’s Momma Bear who can’t catch her rhythm. My beat is off and I’m out of sync.
Remember how I ranted HERE about cancer? Despite my best efforts to overcome this particular hurdle, I’m back to battle. For the last month, I’ve been trying to “outwit, outlast, and outsmart “ insomnia. Yes, it really does feel like I’m playing a game of Survivor. Sleep disruption is one of the unfortunate side effects of my medicine. Yep, that same medicine that gave me night sweats and hot flashes a few months ago. That same medicine that I take every day to ward off any new cancer cells. I hate it…but I NEED it.
For the past month, I’ve awakened every night at 3am. I lay in my bed pleading with my body to go back to sleep. Most nights, I’m up for a good hour to two-hours stretch. So, when my alarm goes off at 5:45am signaling it’s time for a morning run, my body simply does not comply. When my kids come in and tell me its time for school, my mind does not compute. When everyone is out the door and on the bus, I crash on the couch in a fog, angry that I’m not a mother who can pull it together.
With lack of sleep comes chronic fatigue. With fatigue comes less exercise. With less exercise comes crankiness. Crankiness means less patience and more yelling. More yelling means more stress and more mommy guilt. You get the picture. I’m on this annoying cycle of total momma melt down.
Let’s be frank. I’m hanging by a thread. More importantly, I don’t think I’m alone. In conversations and texts traded with friends, it seems we’re all trying to get back into our familiar and collective grooves. We’re beating ourselves up over our subpar parenting skills and time management challenges. Sometimes we may even snap and we feel bad.
I don’t talk about it on Facebook because who wants to hear the whining of a sleep-deprived mom? Instead, I try to do the opposite. I try to THINK happy. I surround myself with uplifting messages.
No kidding—these little love messages are EVERYWHERE in my home—kitchen sink, family room walls, staircase, foyer mirror, and desk.
It’s like I’m applying Happiness Warrior warfare on myself. I seek my “happy” friends who inspire me with their enthusiasm for life. I pray their zest rubs off on me. At the very least, it reminds me to change my attitude and to CHOOSE happy. I try to send little encouraging texts to friends in case they are having an off day.
The truth is, I’m happy and grateful most of the time. I live a pretty great life. I married a terrific guy who is more than patient and gracious with my moody temperament. He knows I’m not myself yet he loves me anyway. Surely he’d like to ship me to Siberia. Yet, every day he comes home and asks me about my day, knowing that his questions might be met with sarcasm and self-pity.
I want YOU to know that I’m living a messy life full of complicating twists and turns. I’m going to chalk this all up to growth and pray for grace. Perhaps you are navigating choppy water yourself. Let’s all just give ourselves a break, shall we? Let’s just breathe, forgive ourselves, and remember the time honored adage: “this too shall pass.”