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The problem with blogging about being happy (my previous post) is that it’s hard to follow up when you are having an “off day”.  Like today.

It’s gorgeous outside.  The sun is shining.  My kids are behaving.  We are heading into Easter with warm thoughts about spending time with family.

Yet, today, of all days, I feel broken.

I went to work out and was proud of myself for getting to the gym.  The women around me were friendly and chatty.  The day started out with promise.  Fast forward 30 minutes.  I was huffing and puffing and trying to keep up with the instructor.  I felt my face flush and I knew I was in trouble.  I was trying so hard to fight back tears.  Tears of frustration of how my body has changed.  Tears of embarrassment of not being able to be “enough”.  Tears of pity because I had the lightest weights in the room and still couldn’t complete the moves.  Tears that my body betrayed me.  Tears of anger for this stupid, life changing event.

I was having an I HATE CANCER moment.

Oh, I really struggle with this, friends.  I’m trying so hard to focus on the positive.  But today, I’m unable to hold back these feelings.  I’m so angry that something has stolen my energy and my strength.  I’m angry that it has slowed me down.  I’m mad as heck that I have to take pills EVERY DAY FOR FIVE YEARS.  I’m even more mad that those pills give me hot flashes and night sweats.  I’m pissed off that I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since July (before all this madness started).  I’m angry that when I have to tell people I’m a cancer survivor, I recognize the look of shocked pity.  I’m mad that I got cancer 22 years before the national average for women who are diagnosed.   I’m angry that I thought I was invincible and healthy and in control.  And I’m simply not.

I’m mad today but I won’t let cancer win.  I’m not going to allow it to steal my sunshine.  I’m going to have a good cry, put on some happy music and dance.  I’m going to concentrate on my blessings.  I’m going to channel this anger into gratitude and allow myself to remember all that is good and right.  I’m going to remember the significance of Good Friday and focus on His grace.

Thank you for letting me vent and be real. Today is a reminder that I’m always a work in progress.

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