Yesterday was one of “those” days. I have them from time to time. Over the last six years, they’ve come at unpredictable times and I’ve learned to accept their out-of-nowhere entrances.
I’m talking about moments of profound sadness. Moments when the lump in my throat gets big and the tears flow uncontrollably.
Yesterday the family was decorating the Christmas tree. A normal activity as the holidays approach. My seven year old was carefully unwrapping the ornaments from the layers of tissue and giddily hanging them on the tree. Then we happened upon this ornament:
My dear neighbors brought this to us as a memorial gift. It moves me every year as we place it on the tree. What caught me by surprise is just how emotional I got over it this year. Antonio asked me “Mommy, what’s this one?” I watched as his daddy tenderly placed it high in the tree. “It’s our memory ornament for Landon”, I explained. He paused, watched me carefully, and then went back to work hanging other treasures.
But as I sat on the couch, I couldn’t stop the tears. They just kept bubbling up from the pit of my stomach. Meanwhile, in the background playing on the Christmas Hits channel was this song by Sarah McLachlan.
I wept for what felt like hours. When my son looked up and saw me, he just looked so confused. When asked what was wrong I replied “I don’t know.” It was all I could muster. I was sad. My brain kept playing those lyrics in my mind over and over. I just miss this child of mine.
I picture what he would look like now standing among us at the Christmas tree. I yearn to know what his giggle would sound like. I look at my four year old and wonder if he would have had soft golden curls too. I so very deeply miss him and the opportunity to watch him grow. I long to touch his face, to feel his heartbeat, to read him stories, to kiss his b00-boos.
Today, my sweet and sensitive Antonio drew me this picture.
It seems he sensed all along why I was sad. I love this boys heart and how God works HIS grace into my life with gentle reminders of all my blessings.